Gotta Be P.C.

A Little Easter Cheer

2010-03-29T22:02:00.004-04:00

It still makes me laugh when I think about all the lies my dad told me when I was young. You know, like how the Easter Bunny hid eggs for me to find and eat. And how Old St. Nick left presents for me because I was a decent kid all year. And how the Sodomy Fairy left me that skate board for ....This being almost Easter I am reminded of one of my favorite Bible verses. II Mathark 3:42-43 “And

Listen to Gotta Be PC Playlist

2010-03-25T21:15:00.001-04:00

Role Play and FOOD

2010-03-24T22:58:00.006-04:00

So my lovely wife Theresa steps into the shower with me and says “Look, its like a penis only smaller.” My reply was “Look its like my secretary, only fatter and with saggy tits.”She then proceeds to tell me that there will be no sex tonight, as if that were an option, and I told her “ Lets try a little role play, it might spice things up. I'll pretend like I'm a rapist and you be the victim.”

Coveting Eyeglasses

2010-03-16T18:34:00.004-04:00

So I was talking to Joe today about those evil atheists and I pointed out that without religion there is no basis for moral behavior. He comes back with some silly remark about how you can just fell feel when something is wrong and you shouldn't do it. I noticed a sign on the wall that said “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” I said life would be good if everyone would just do that,

Driving For Dollars

2010-02-28T22:44:00.009-05:00

I think I've discovered a new money making scheme. Here is the plan: I'm going to get a 900 number, put a bumper sticker on my car that says 'Hows My Driving' along with that 900 number, and then I'll drive like a 99 year old blind, blond, Chinese woman, on her period. That should bring in $4.99 per minute, and I'll be in front of them pissing them off more and more the whole time they are

HIRING FIRING and CONFUSION

2010-02-21T20:08:00.009-05:00

There can be problems with hiring staff suffering with learning disabilities. My boss wants a diverse staff that is representative of the general population, and with dyslexia affecting between 5 and 17% of people and since it does not effect intelligence, he hired a dyslexic as his personal assistant.Come to find out there are some advantages that he couldn't have imagined when he brought this

KFC

2010-02-15T14:19:00.007-05:00

Do you know of any other Country that has named a State after a bucket of chicken?I was in a KFC the other day and I had to stand in line for quite a few minutes before having my order taken. When I finally got to the counter the young lady said to me: “Sorry about your wait”. Well I told her “You're not so skinny yourself Chunky!” Then I felt bad. I remembered that is politically un-correct to

Joe and Granny

2010-02-08T19:05:00.002-05:00

My good friend Joe told me this afternoon that he can't come to work tomorrow because he has a date that is going to last all day. I suspect his date is February 9th, 2010. Seriously though he did have a date this past weekend but she refuses to go out with him again. She called him “The Master of

An old joke

2009-09-30T11:25:00.002-04:00

I came home from work tonight, sat down in my favorite chair, turned the TV on, and said to Theresa, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"She looked a little puzzled, but she brought me a beer.After I finished it, I said, "Quick Hun! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"This time she looked a little upset, but she brought me one anyway.When it was gone, I said, "Quickly Hun! One more

Top Thrill Dragster

2009-05-19T18:48:00.006-04:00

"Keep Arms Down, Head Back, and Hold On!"Get ready for the ride of your life. This amazing speed machine is one of the tallest and fastest roller coasters on Earth. Climb aboard unique dragster-style trains and inch forward to the starting line. The engine revs. Your heart pumps. The tree lights count down to green and you're launched to speeds of 120 mph in less than 4 seconds. The ride's just

For You Mom

2009-05-10T22:19:00.003-04:00

It being mothers day our family spent the the afternoon reminiscing about good times growing up. My oldest brother Ken, remembered the time he got caught sneaking some ice cream right before supper. This was before the rest of us were born. Mom walked into the kitchen and and yelled “Supper is in the oven. Put that ice cream away and go play until the food is on the table.” But mom, Ken cried,

2009-05-06T19:31:00.005-04:00

There was an explosion at a pie factory in town today. 3.14159265 people died. But I have plans for the land and YOU can get in on the ground floor.This is an excellent opportunity for all you wonderful people. I am creating a new alcoholic drink called "Responsibly", and you, yes YOU, get the first opportunity to invest.I believe everyone in the country should get shit faced by drinking "

Happy B-day

2009-05-01T23:41:00.000-04:00

Hooray. Today is my birthday. Before I left the house this morning my wife promised me something extra special when I got home. She told me I was going to get anal tonight. But it would be one night only, so I better enjoy it. I was so excited all day. I told all my friends at work and they couldn't believe how lucky I was. I hurried home, parked crooked and almost forgot to close the car door.

The Swine Flu

2009-04-27T18:05:00.006-04:00

All I heard on the news this weekend was a pig flu, a pig flu, a pig flu. I thought that was impossible, but you know what this means? My wife owes me some lovely favors. She always said .... When pigs fly ...My brother Ken has a son, Travis, and his class was talking about this disease. The teacher was explaining the word "contagious" to the students, and after her lesson she asked the kids to

10 Things

2009-04-22T17:53:00.006-04:00

Like most people my age, I'm 47. I hardly ever call my mother so she called me today and said she's worried I might be getting Alzheimer's. I told her she should forget about it, I would. It seemed like we had had that conversation before though. Do people with Alzheimer's have deja vu? I was going to try to go back to school and get some higher learnin but apparently I flunked my history exam

Meet The Neighbors

2009-04-16T16:03:00.000-04:00

Ok, we've talked about Muslims and Christians, and soon we'll set the record straight about those lousy lying atheists, but today I want to introduce you to my new neighbors. On the way across my neighbors back yard to greet the new arrivals, I spotted something I'd never seen before. Used teabags hanging on a clothesline. I thought they must be protesting the government's spending policies. I

A Day At The Office

2009-04-13T16:00:00.000-04:00

I had to interview people for an opening at work today. The first guy was fresh out of college and seemed quite competent, plus he is a real people person. The second guy has a degree and three years experience. The woman has two degrees and seven years experience. Of course I hired the woman. Hell I can get her for half the pay. Now understand I'm all for sexual equality. That's why I allow all

Its Almost Easter

2009-04-07T19:45:00.005-04:00

Just for fun, no harm intended, but I am prepared for the hate mail anyway. So how many witnesses do they actually need before Jehovah's trial starts? Another one came to my door last Saturday but this one didn't get to enjoy my usual witty remarks. She brought along her little daughter, and its just not right to ridicule a person in front of their child. Hell she might be right and I just

My Little Town's Darwin Awards

2009-03-30T20:23:00.006-04:00

Yep these bright young hoodlums are right here in my little town. I don't know why I am telling you this. No one will want to move to this area if they find out how stupid some of the natives are. Ah, maybe thats why I'm sharing. We have enough snow bird Yankees here already. These must be their offspring.February 12, 2009 ~ A Charlotte County man is arrested for robbing a gas station after his

Google Street View

2009-03-25T19:09:00.004-04:00

I have a terrible feeling I'm being watched.I've been looking at Google Street View and the same van has been outside my house for days now. And a similar van has been outside my workplace. It's probably my wife having someone take pictures of me. Recently she put a magnet on the refrigerator that says:Your Husband is the only one of your children who will neverGrow Up or Move Away.This just

Sweet Revenge

2009-03-18T17:45:00.003-04:00

Yes its a little cruel but oh so funny.She's playing with my gun, and now I'm going to get revenge, the way any husband should ...

The 'Special' Date

2009-03-16T20:00:00.001-04:00

Joe has been seeing a special girl now for about three weeks. I have met her and I don't want to be critical but I don't think her driveway goes all the way to the road. I mean she has gone out with Joe more than once. What does that say? But at least Joe realizes she has a problem. On Friday he asked me where he could get some window flavored condoms.She is a proper “special” girl so the dates

Mike's wife here

2009-03-14T08:00:00.000-04:00

Hello Readers. I am Mikes wife and I have logged into his blog to share a few things I feel you should know about this sicko husband of mine. First of all, every time I get on the computer to check my email, Mike sneaks up behind me and takes advantage of me against my will!Honestly, it's like he koafio kfjp[aokf kopakf .fa..x54 afkopka, kf ;a ' ld;',,x,,.,.ghonksodo ijji

I want to be a greeter

2009-03-13T18:33:00.006-04:00

When I become financially independent or unemployed due to incompetence, I want to take a job for a day at Wal-Mart. As a greeter. I think I would be good at this because I would help people out as they came through the door. For instance when an overweight person walked through the door I would say: “We have dresses on sale in the extra extra large department, was you aware of that? There's a

I Apologize

2009-03-11T20:43:00.008-04:00

Following a joke I made last week about the Holy Qur'an, I've gotten a large number of private messages from Muslim readers of this blog and I would like to make the following statement:"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."OK, there-

I Have A Library

2009-03-08T17:30:00.004-04:00

After 3 years in my house, I just found out I have a library down the street. Man they sure kept that place quiet. Anyway, I went in there to check out a book on suicide. Can you believe that the lady behind the desk told me to go to hell? She said I wouldn't bring it back. They have a video section there as well. I asked if they had any DVDs about some people stranded on a tropical desert

Things I have Learned

2009-03-06T19:39:00.000-05:00

Statistically, 20% of women find this blog offensive.The other 80% are in the kitchen, where they should be! 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy!1 out of 3 Americans weigh as much as the other 2 put together.9 out of 10 men prefer large breasts. The 10th man prefers the 9 men.9 out of 9 women are annoying when the speak.3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.4 out of 3 people

She was 98

2009-03-04T20:56:00.000-05:00

I attended church tonight for old times sake. As the end of the sermon on love and all that crap was coming to an end, the preacher asked the congregation “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?” Well about 8 out of every 10 people raised their hands. The minister asked again, a little louder. Everybody raised their hand this time except one little old lady.“Miss Mary, are you not

I want 50 babies (at least!)

2009-03-03T17:27:00.003-05:00

This video is an indirect parody inspired by Nadya Suleman, a lady who had 8 babies via in vitro fertilization while not having a job, and already having 6 children, making 14 kids and no money.Personally I don't know what will become of the kids, no one does. It could be that one of them will come up with a cure for a yet unknown disease, or perhaps lead the world closer to a lasting peace, but

Home At Last

2009-03-02T18:30:00.005-05:00

I'm back at a computer after a minor life changing event. I've been out of it for the last couple of weeks for reasons we won't go into, but while I was recouping I had a dream. I dreamed that someday chickens will be able to cross the road without having their motives questioned. No wait, not that dream ... I dreamed that I robbed a bank. I got 15 million dollars in debt. While running away, I

Hotel Porn

2009-02-11T19:30:00.000-05:00

I just had to share this with you. Some people are so sick these days. As I was checking into this hotel tonight on business, the guy in front of me said in a snooty voice “Please tell me the porn channel is disabled.” It's just disgusting what some people are into, isn't it? That reminds me of something I read in People magazine recently. It seems many actors have been discouraged from

Busted at the Mall

2009-02-09T17:51:00.008-05:00

It started out as a laid back sort of weekend. I escorted my lovely wife to the mall for some retail therapy and to be patriotic by stimulating the local economy. Big place that mall, and Theresa didn't bring her cell phone. When we got separated and I couldn't find her for about two hours, well I had to improvise.So I walked up to this drop dead gorgeous blond and said “I've lost my wife here

Relationship Roundup

2009-02-03T08:02:00.002-05:00

Joe didn't have his usual blind date last Friday. He had lined up a date with a deaf girl he met online. She didn't show though. She emailed him Saturday morning with some lame excuse about falling asleep and not hearing her alarm.I'm a little bit worried about him. He's gotten so lonely he's shaved one leg just so it feels like he's in bed with a woman. I hope he meets a nice girl soon.On the

Keyboard

2009-02-02T17:51:00.009-05:00

.ǝǝɹʇ ɹɐ11op ǝɥʇ ʇɐ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐ1 ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Problems

2009-01-26T22:10:00.000-05:00

Sometimes Alcohol is the answer.I was in the bar with my friend tonight, and he came strutting over with a rather large lady on each arm. They're like buses, I said. Why? he asked. Because you wait for ages and then two come at once?No, I said. They're like buses.Later when I came home my wife was standing in front of the mirror. God, I look old, fat and ugly, she said to me. Pay me a compliment

Housing

2009-01-21T00:03:00.000-05:00

Now that Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae have been taken over by the US Government, and Uncle Sam is investing in all our banks and mortgage companies, doesn't that make the US one big housing project? Next thing you know we'll all be sitting in front of the TV all day stuffing our faces and getting immensely fat.Oh wait a minute...

My Brother's Kid

2009-01-18T08:40:00.002-05:00

The coach called my 12-year-old nephew Travis to the side and asked, “Son, do you understand what cooperation is, And what a team is?”Travis nodded.“Do you understand that what matters most is whether we win or lose together as a team?”My brother's son nodded, yes.“So,” the coach continued, “I'm sure you know, when a play is called, you shouldn't argue, swear or call the ref a 'dickhead'. Do you

The Cliff

2009-01-15T07:35:00.002-05:00

I don't want to mention any names (Glenn) but a friend of mine was very depressed recently. He had taken a big gamble and lost so his family was going to be kicked out of their house and onto the street the following day. He was at a loss as to what to do and thought there was only one way out. He drove to the edge of a cliff and parked there. He rested his head on the steering wheel, tears

Carnival Date

2009-01-10T08:20:00.000-05:00

A wonderful thing about living in Florida is the weather. We have outdoor events all year round. So Joe took this weeks blind date to the carnival.They get inside the gate and Joe asks "What would you like to do first, Gertrude?" "I want to get weighed," she said. So they wander over to the weight guesser. He guessed 160 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 157 and she won a prize.Next, the

Please Give

2009-01-08T10:10:00.000-05:00

Zeebooboo, is a half blind 5 year old orphan, who has to ride 5 miles a day to school with only one leg, on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.Please give just a small donation of $10 and I will send you the video. It's hilarious!

Old Age

2009-01-06T08:30:00.000-05:00

Now, it's official. I'm old.Picture this. I was returning to my car at the quick-stop. Coming into the store was this smoking hot 20, maybe 21 year old, fine little blond. God, she was hot.My thought? "I wonder what her mother looks like."Reminded me of when I was that age. I went out with an English teacher for a while, but she dumped me. She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon. What

Deodorant

2009-01-04T13:10:00.000-05:00

I ran out of deodorant so I borrowed some of mama's. It comes in a stick now you know. Instructions said 'Take off top and push up bottom' 5 fucking hours I spent in the emergency room!

Blind Date

2009-01-03T12:20:00.003-05:00

My friend Joe had a blind date last night. He took this girl out for supper and she had frog's legs and chicken breasts, but she had a lovely personality, bless her. He really loves blind dates. He says its bcause he can stare at their boobs. When he picked her up at her parents house, her father told him to keep his hands off his daughter. Joe thought to himself; OKAY, buts it your fault if

Female Problems

2008-12-30T18:06:00.005-05:00

My friend Glenn called and was a little bummed out about having another fight with his girlfriend. He kicked her out this time but I can understand why. I mean she is always going on and on about her female problems. So what if she has missed two fuck!ing periods. Big Deal. Get over it.Glenn and I have decided to go protest down at the abortion clinic later tonight. And to show them we mean

Best Friend

2008-12-29T08:04:00.003-05:00

A dog is truly a man's best friend.If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.Lock your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for an hour.When you open the trunk, which one is truly happy to see you?

Technology

2008-12-28T15:59:00.003-05:00

Theresa was just telling me about her interesting adventure at the market this morning.After she had chosen all her grocery necessities for the day, you know Twinkies, potato chips, frozen pizza, and diet Mountain Dew, she proceeded to the check out line.After the clerk had rang up her items Theresa leaned across the counter to present the checker with her coupons (she is such a thrifty shopper)

Resolution

2008-12-27T16:35:00.003-05:00

My friend Joe (the computer geek) has finally decided on his new year resolution. 1024 x 768. I'll let you think on that a while.I need a new years resolution. I don't want to have more than one because the ADD might kick in and I'll get nothing accomplished. So I've narrowed it down to 3 choices.Post at least once a week on this here blog so that my future grandchildren can someday read the deep

Shopping

2008-12-26T21:16:00.002-05:00

Theresa asked me if I'd like to see her in something long and flowing this New Year's Eve.I said, "The Mississippi would be nice."I had to pay for being witty so we went shopping. As soon as we arrive at the mall my lovely wife gets her usual Auntie Anne's pretzel and I get my usual facial tic. I must have been quite a sight because some polite young children stopped to tell me to say no to drugs

Grandma

2008-12-26T17:20:00.001-05:00

My grandma lived to be 98 years old. What a sense of humor she had.She was telling me about how when she was a girl she could go the store with a quarter and come home with a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, 2 quarts of milk, a whole chicken, and a pack of smokes.I said well Grandma that's inflation for you. She said inflation my ass! It's all those fucking security cameras they have these days!

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T17:10:00.002-05:00

So my wife (Theresa) walks into the bed room where I am still sleeping and announces that she and her family are going to Mass, would I like to come? Groggily I point out that it is not Sunday and ask why she is putting on blue jeans for church. "You don't have to get dressed up to go to church. You don't have to dress up to be a good person" she stated. "And besides" I added "God has seen you